In brief
As preschool looms, many children face separation anxiety upon starting school. Experts suggest gradual exposure, validating feelings, and establishing routines to help both kids and parents cope. Success stories illustrate how reassurance and proactive strategies can ease fears, promoting confidence and making school a safe space for young learners.
On her first full day of preschool, Alexander Lane’s 3-year-old daughter stayed in the car for an hour at drop-off because she didn’t want to go inside. On the second day, she entered class in tears.
But by the third day, she eagerly ran into the classroom.
Starting preschool is a milestone, yet also a source of anxiety for many children, particularly those facing their first extended separation from a parent or guardian.
Lane was aware of his daughter's anxiety regarding separation, leading him to delay her enrollment after seeing her resistance to previous classes months prior.
“It’s not productive to tell someone, ‘You’ll just enjoy this if you push through and do it.’ That’s not persuasive,” noted Lane, from Minneapolis.
Separation anxiety among young children is not uncommon, and experts affirm it is a natural aspect of child development.
“As we start a new school year with new classrooms, it's expected for anxiety to arise as children transition,” explained Erica Lee, a child psychologist from Boston.
For some children, prolonged anxiety can disrupt daily activities, potentially warranting a clinical diagnosis. Here are strategies to support young kids in adjusting to school and making drop-offs easier.
Teaching Bravery to Kids — and Parents
In nearly two decades of teaching preschool, Kimberly Skukalek from Pinellas County, Florida, encountered numerous children experiencing separation anxiety. Her mission was to ensure children felt safe at school while emphasizing this message to parents, too.
“Some parents, especially with their first child, tend to be more anxious than the child,” Skukalek pointed out.
Failing to encourage children to confront difficult situations can obstruct their resilience. Psychologist Izabela Milaniak from Philadelphia stated that yielding to a child's fears—like avoiding school—can escalate anxiety, as evasion often heightens distress.
Milaniak stresses the importance of nurturing brave children. Exposing them to scary situations helps them develop their self-soothing capabilities, essential for personal growth.
“Learning to be alone is a vital skill for all humans,” Milaniak affirmed.
For children already showing signs of separation anxiety, a two-pronged tactic of validating their emotions while maintaining firm boundaries can foster confidence.
When Patrick Edmondson’s son Miles began preschool in 2023, the 3-year-old resisted morning preparations and grew emotional during separations. Edmondson and his wife empathized with Miles, but they refrained from allowing him to skip school.
“If he was really struggling, that option would be on the table, but we don’t disclose it to him,” Edmondson, from Washington, D.C., said. “Otherwise, he’d just say, ‘I don’t want to do it. It’s too scary.’”
To support Miles, his parents reassured him they'd return and allowed him to choose a “bravery toy,” such as a Hot Wheels car or stuffed animal. Now in kindergarten, Miles regularly rides the bus and enjoys school.
Creating Routines Through Gradual Exposure
Experts suggest that gradually familiarizing children with separation can help ease their fears. Parents can start with brief separations—like stepping into another room for five minutes—to help build the child's comfort. As they adapt, they can extend the separation time.
Establishing a quick goodbye ritual can also aid children grappling with anxiety, as it introduces an element of routine without prolonging the separation tension.
Lane eased his daughter’s transition to preschool by enrolling her in half-day classes over the summer. Their Sunday evenings involved discussions about upcoming activities, packing lunches, and helping her select outfits, making her feel involved and prepared.
“This approach allows her to take part in the experience rather than feeling like it's just happening to her,” he explained.
Seeking Help if Anxiety Persists
Signs of separation anxiety may manifest as tantrums during drop-offs, shadowing parents within the home, or avoiding sleep alone. Lee noted that separation anxiety often stems from a child's fear that harm may come to themselves or their caregivers when apart.
If these symptoms last for several weeks or months, checking in with a pediatrician is advised. Fortunately, many children can overcome separation anxiety, which is “highly treatable,” Lee concluded.
